|A review I found online of "300"
||[Mar. 15th, 2007|02:34 pm]
This made me laugh. While I appreciated the historical aspects a tiny bit better than the author of the below review many of his points are valid :)
> ...and thought I would share a review about the movie that I found posted on
> > the net. Great flick!!
> > I just saw a movie that'll give your eyes boners, make your balls scream and
> > make you poop DVD copies of THE TRANSPORTER. It's called 300. I don't know
> > what the title has to do with the movie, but they could've called it KITTENS
> > MAKING CANDLES and it'd still rule.
> > It's about these 300 Greek dudes who stomp the sugar-coated shit out of like
> > a million other dudes. I have a feeling that a lot of high school sports
> > coaches are going to show this film to their teams before they play. Also,
> > gay dudes and divorced women are going to use screen captures for computer
> > wallpaper.
> > The movie takes place about a million years ago, and it's sort of like a
> > prequel to SIN CITY. Except way less guns and cars but twice as much skull
> > splitting. If you watch this movie and go into a Taco Bell, and say to the
> > cashier, "I need some extra sauce packets" guess what? You're getting twenty
> > sauce packets because your face will punch him in the brain.
> > I can't spoil the plot because THANK GOD THERE ISN'T ONE. Just ass kicking
> > that kicks ass that, while said ass is getting kicked, is kicking yet more
> > ass that's hitting someone's balls with a hammer made of ice but the ice is
> > frozen whiskey.
> > TWO COOL THINGS ABOUT THE MOVIE AND ONE THING I DIDN'T LIKE:
> > COOL THING ONE:
> > HEAVY METAL DURING BATTLE SCENES
> > Who gives a shit if the music isn't historically correct? LORD OF THE RINGS
> > could've used some Journey. This movie has that chu-CHUNG kind of metal that
> > you hear in your head when your shift supervisor at Wetzel's Pretzel is
> > telling you that you'll have to stay for clean up and you wish you had a
> > sock filled with quarters in your hand.
> > COOL THING TWO:
> > FOES, MINI-BOSSES AND A BIG BOSS
> > Basically, the Greek dudes are fighting these Persian dudes, but the
> > director, who must have a dick made of three machine guns, does it all like
> > a video game. The Greeks fight every death metal video from the last ten
> > years. There's wave after wave of giants, freaks, ninjas, mutants, wizards,
> > and a hunchback who looks like he's got Rosie O'Donnell on his back.
> > Would I have been happy if Dom DeLuise from HISTORY OF THE WORLD, PART I had
> > shown up? Maybe, but this movie more than makes up for that glaring
> > oversight.
> > NOT SO GOOD THING:
> > DUDE NUDITY ("DUDE-ITY")
> > These are Greek times, when there were a lot of naked women around. And
> > there are some naked women in this film, but almost every naked woman scene
> > has a muscular dude giving the screen an ass picnic. Dude-ity is something
> > directors put in their movies so people will think they're serious, I guess,
> > and not just throwing in naked hotties.
> > Any directors reading this - IT'S OKAY TO JUST THROW IN NAKED HOTTIES.
> > Can't someone make a movie about naked Amazons and call it PAUSE BUTTON?
> > My final analysis is 300 the most ass-ruling movie I've seen this year, and
> > will probably be the King of 2007 unless someone makes a movie where a pair
> > of sentient boobs fights a werewolf.